One month ago, I sat in my hospital bed, staring out the windows wondering if the past 10 hours had really happened. I had woken up merely to use the bathroom at midnight and that turned into a hurriedly packed trip to the hospital where my Little Bear was born crying a mere 4 hours later.
One month – it feels like it’s been twice as long and half as short.
We knew that as soon as Little Bear was here our lives would get a big chaotic dealing with his surgery, definite NICU stay, and whatever else he would need. Because of this, I had made sure to have freezer meals done, friends lined up to come and stay while we adjusted to life after his arrival. My baby shower was scheduled, a sign up genius for meals was set up, and my bag was packed by 32 weeks. Ever since we had gotten that first diagnosis of his spina bifida, I had felt like I was on a countdown clock that was flying along instead of steadily ticking down. To anyone who would listen, I explained that I didn’t think he would make it to his updated due date. I felt an anxious drive to get everything ready as soon as possible. I was on borrowed time and I worried about being able to give Little Bear the time he needed to full develop and be ready to come earth side.
I’m a month out now, and I still don’t feel like I’ve really processed the past month, especially those first two weeks. In a way I am glad my body went into labor by itself before going in to the OR for the c-section. I felt validated that everything my body had been telling me was true. I had felt a loss of not being able to have Little Bear like I delivered his older brother when we got his diagnosis. Having my water break and then being rushed into a c-section as my body quickly began laboring was the perfect mix of the two. I hated those three hours up to the moments AFTER the spinal kicked in. They went by too fast for me to really start panicking, but my body was freaking out, and I knew that if they hadn’t gotten me to the OR as soon as possible, things would start progressing really fast. Even though Little Bear’s arrival happened in the middle of the night, Phil nor I really felt alone. The nurses and my doctor were amazing. I knew that even though things happened quickly, there were those who were still thinking about and praying for us. I knew that even though I was only 34 weeks pregnant, my Little Bear was yet again proving that he was the one driving the whole deal. I knew he would be okay.
Within 8 hours of his birth, Little Bear went back for his own surgery. I am forever grateful for the neurosurgeons and anesthesiologists who continually popped into my room to let me know how my baby was doing during surgery. I never felt like I was being kept in the dark about his well being. So when I heard that he had remained completely stable during surgery and was now back to his room in the NICU, it wasn’t a surprise. Is it too presumptuous to say that I always knew he would do just fine? I went to see my Little Bear an hour after he had come out of surgery and felt the tears prick my eyes at the sight of my strong little warrior. He obviously hated the tube down his throat and was starting to fight it. They had warned me that he would/could possibly be in the NICU for [up to] 6 weeks. I remember texting a friend who had been in my shoes 18 1/2 years before saying that I bet he would be out of the NICU in 4 weeks.
It is now 4 weeks after sending that text, and Little Bear’s been home for 2 of those 4 weeks now. As grateful as I am to no longer have a preemie in the NICU, I will never forget those moments just before I would walk into his room, worrying that something had gone wrong. Little Bear started life earth side weighing 4lbs 15 oz, 18.7″ long. He now weighs just over 6 1/2lbs, and is about 19.1″ long.
As much as people kept calling him a rockstar (all the nurses, friends of mine, doctors…), it felt weird to call my baby a rockstar. Maybe I felt like it was jinxing myself (and him) to call my baby a rockstar. I merely smiled and nodded because I knew my baby was a fighter, but I wasn’t willing to acknowledge his incredible progress. I just took each day as it came and kept pace with my child as he blew through milestone after milestone, cutting his time in the NICU down to 1/3rd of what it was supposed to have been. I can see and feel the spirits guarding him and I’m trusting those fates to keep him safe when I can’t.
Having my whole family home the past two weeks has been both amazing and odd. This is the first week I am finally feeling like we have some sort of normalcy back. I feel like Little Monkey is finally adjusted (for the most part) to having Little Bear around. He begs me to let him hold his little brother often and has to watch Little Bear sleep. Little Monkey is still a little cautious around his brother, especially when Little Bear starts crying or waving his limbs all around. Little Bear and I have figured out a rhythm for night time feedings, and as long as I stick to the same each night, he sleeps well. The biggest question and frustration for me right now is getting him off oxygen. His pediatrician thinks he’s about ready to come off the oxygen, but wants him to see a pulmonary specialist before she takes him off. It’s getting annoying lugging around the oxygen tank every where he goes. But, I know that’s not going to last for forever! I think now that the end of that is technically in sight, I am anxious to get there.
Little Bear still doesn’t have a shunt, and according to his neurosurgeon, his head is holding steady. This part still worries me, but if they’re not seeing drastic increases in the size of his ventricles, then I do feel like I can take a breath and relax a little bit more. I still feel like we’re on borrowed time before he will need a shunt, but maybe Little Bear will surprise us…yet again?
My body doesn’t even feel like it was pregnant (minus the almost constant headaches, achy hips and tailbone). I see those weekly pregnant belly collages on Pinterest and feel a slight sense of nostalgia. I only made it to 34 weeks, and part of me mourns the not even making it to the “I’m so very done being pregnant” stage. I know that part is not fun, but I didn’t even get there! I barely gained any weight, and am sitting at just about having lost 20lbs right now. I am grateful for the “easy” recovery, especially with everything else that happened in Little Bear’s first two weeks of life. I am especially thankful for having made it through the first month of his life earth side. Today, of all days, was when he was supposed to have arrived. I was supposed to be at the hospital right now, recovering from a c-section at 10am this morning. But, Little Bear had other plans.
Happy one month, Little Bear. You are my snuggly little bear, instantly becoming alert whenever you hear my voice. I worried that the separation we would face when you arrived would make me lose my connection to you. I couldn’t have been more wrong. You are mama’s boy through and through. We share scars from your arrival and I will always feel that strong thread connecting us. You have FAR exceeded my expectations with nursing and sleeping now that you’re home. I am still taking an expert level class on how to wrestle with the octopus you become every time I change your diaper. Your extremely strong leg movements continue to surprise and give your dad and I much hope for your future mobility. It makes me tear up thinking about what’s possibly coming in your future. I will fight for you, and yet, I know that you’re going to keep fighting for yourself.
You are my little warrior bear, my fighter, my expectation breaker.